I wonder..

It's pretty much a known fact that wondering about the "what ifs" in life are pretty ridiculous. I mean.. you chose one path and more often than not, you closed the other path. Second-guessing yourself would drive one insane. There's simply too many options and paths in life to explore them all..and only the one you chose is the one that you can know, for a fact, turned out in a particular way.

Even so.. there are things I wonder about.. not all of it being my own choices, mind you.

I'll always wonder what would've happened with mom if she'd stopped smokin' years ago. I remember bein' in like.. first grade and we had a speaker come in with one of those mannequin things with lung representatives in it. You know, it's clear and they're filled with cotton. Was supposed to show you how smoking affects your lungs by giving an example of some really ickified cotton lungs. I came home from school that day and told mom about it.. anyone who knew my mom (which I don't think anyone I know now ever met her) can imagine her reaction.. hostile. Told me to bugger off and said she'd be okay. Apparently having cancer the first time didn't leave enough of an impression since, lo and behold, she died some years later of cancer.

Due to her choice, I didn't have her go to my graduation (she died a few months prior) and she won't be there at my wedding.. assuming I ever get married. There won't be a grandma for my little ones (okay, so there's my step-mom but it's not the same). I am quite bitter of it.. it took a few years to fester but there's definitely a lot of anger there. A little depression too. I mean, was mine and her other children's lives so unimportant compared to.. smoking?

Of course, there are some poor choices I've made. I think the one that I share with most people is.. that one time when ya had two or more love interests.. and ya ended up choosing one over the other, probably for some stupid reason. Like one had a better ass or something. The relationship doesn't work out and it goes to shit before too long while the other person moves on and ends up with someone else.. or finds out that she wasn't the only person you were fooling with and won't speak to you again (I'm so guilty on this one heh). Would things have worked out with the other one, perhaps? Won't ever know. The kicker is that I turned down the girl with the hot ass for the girl who had a husband. I deserved that heart break heh.

I can only hope that I'm a wiser person now.. wiser and more patient. It hasn't been too long since I was completely self-absorbed and had the "world revolves around me!" attitude. Made it hard on relationships.. hell, it made it hard on my friends. I dunno why I'm like that.. spoiled brat, maybe? I definitely was one.. oh yes, I was. Again.. older and wiser now. Different goals in life.. different things I want out of life. Much more defined now than they were back even a year ago. I'm sure there'll be further revisions on down the line but for now, I know what I want out of my life and I have a good idea of what I want out of the eventual 'woman in my life'.. my sincerest hopes is that I don't ever fall back to old habits.